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Libido > Fidelity
The decision to be monogamous - or not .. To only have only one intimate sexual
partner.
The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior (1993)
found that:
25% of women and 33% of men admit having had
at least one extramarital sexual experience."
This only includes married men and women who, at some point during their marriage,
engaged in an intimate act with another person.
There have been many surveys with varying results and the numbers
of women 'cheating' is on the rise perhaps due to the increasing
equity between men and women. Other surveys have found that 8 - 30%
of children born are not fathered by the woman's husband.
What is marriage and why does society insist an monogamy?
Marriage, in one form or another, has been with us for thousands of
years and is different in different cultures; in some a woman can
have several husbands (polyandry) which is effective in limiting the
population growth in a land that is unable to support many people
and it also ensures the coherence of agricultural estates*. However,
it is different from polygamy, since a woman’s social position and
prestige are not determined by the number of husbands she can amass.
In many Islamic countries some men today may have many wives and
polygamy was also common in early Christian times, (remember King
Solomon with his 10,000 wives). For the man, the more wives meant
more social status and wealth as the children of the marriage would
become workers and soldiers as in a bee hive except with a king
instead of a queen.
For Western civilization, morality and economics played a large part
in justifying marriage and until recently, the wife was in effect
the property of the husband and this is still relevant in India. In
recent history women simply did not produce children without
marriage. Society frowned on unmarried mothers and their children
and often banned them from society, although seldom the fathers, but
very wealthy unmarried mothers and their illegitimate children
suffered little disapproval.
Traditionally only men could own property and possessions and pass
them on to heirs. A man wanted to be sure these went to his heirs,
not someone else's. About the only way he could be reasonably sure
that he was the father of the child was if the mother was legally
bound to him from at least nine months before the heir was born.
(This, of course, wasn't foolproof, as some babies were premature
and many women were unfaithful)
Today people are still urged into marriage for mainly moral reasons
though economics also plays a part due to inheritance and the fact
that in Western society, a household needs to have two incomes to
participate in consumer society.
Monogamy today where sexually transmitted diseases are epidemic is the most
std
safe relationship, and when the
relationship is easy and rewarding, it is a good way of living which supports a stable community,
but many people are capable of loving more than just one
person at a time and monogamy has an increasingly high rate of
failure with divorce also at epidemic levels and increasing numbers
of people choose not to marry.
In monogamy irregardless of marriage, problems develop and
people do drift apart for many reasons which can develop into isolation with very little exposure or access to potential mates
outside of the immediate family and criticisms of monogamy (and marriage) are
that it can become a
bind, with power struggles ending in oppression and even violence.
When a monogamous relationship fails, and when good sex and passion are
lacking, infidelity may result as partners find illicit sex partners
and they must do this for their own well being.
At it's extreme monogamy requires that
widows/widowers remain chaste after widowing or separation. Even
more extreme; as in India widows today still suicide in the act of
sati by casting themselves on the husbands funeral pyre and it is
not uncommon even in Western societies for the lover to suicide when
the love so dependant, that life without the other is unbearable.
Why Are Partners Unfaithful?
There are numerous reasons.
- It may be that the relationship is unsatisfactory and instead
of ending the relationship, one or both even partners may be
unfaithful.
- It may be a spontaneous and powerful attraction that overrides
the sensibility of any marriage vows.
- It may be that the desire for intimacy with others is simple
to powerful to ignore and it is here that intelligent couples will
discuss these needs and either part, or find another solution such
as forming multiple relationships or even swinging.
- It simply may be that the opportunity exists.
Should You be Unfaithful?
There is no "should". Maybe you and your partner will remain
entirely faithful, but maybe for some reason he or she will find
intimacy in the arms of another person.
Fidelity and marriage are social rules made for good reasons,
however as human beings, we have an innate capacity to truly love more
than one person. The love felt by the polyandrous women for their
multiple husbands and the polygamous men for their multiple wives is as
valid as the love between a monogamous couple.
While the moral and
religious right see monogamy and marriage as the religious and legal
ideal which forms the basis of a stable society for the breeding of
future generations and human existence, it is not abnormal to have
multiple relationships, after all it has been happening since time began
to the extent that a sex industry has always existed with male and
female hookers available to the population despite moves in recent
history to ban the business.
To love many people and have multiple relationships is natural and
normal human behaviour, the real problem is that this behaviour is not
universally accepted and are regarded as immoral by the religious right.
Why Have Multiple Partners?
Swingers and those in open relationships
engage in sexual practices with several or many other people.
The
ideal in open relationships is to find real pleasure, to have an
interesting learning experience, and that one's primary love remains
with the agreed intended. Of course some people simply go from
partner to partner, like a short tern monogamy.Having multiple sex relationships
is about stepping out exploring pleasure and seeking happiness while
exploring our human nature while the negative aspects are std's
which can be
hard to avoid, thank god we have condoms and it can be an
emotional rollercoaster.
Fidelity is neither right or wrong, neither moral or immoral.
Biologically we can have any number of sexual relationships, there
are no limits other than the rules of society and one's natural
capacity. In stepping out to honor desires, the ethics
of promiscuity are to seek and share pleasure and happiness without
causing pain (other than natural growing pains).
Sexual promiscuity works best when there is total self honesty,
trust, and communication with partners. The ideal in
open/experimental relationships is the sharing of love and pleasure,
and actively supporting an honest permissive society.
Pleasure is a vital part of life which keeps us healthy and
positively alive. A life without pleasure is less than human.
Bodily sensuality massages our being and helps to appreciate our
humanness. Of course there is pleasure to be found in many areas of
life other than sex and sensuality, but it is the sexual orgasm
which is a peak life experience (most
enjoyable/meaningful/spiritual) and the nectar of orgasm is a healer
of disease, a restorer of faith and source of divine inspiration.
Love and our capacity for love and pleasure has no limits,
ideally we love ourselves which allows us to love all others and
recognize those we want to either play or breed with.
Shunned by the moral right, promiscuousness has blurred with
other fringe societies on a loose moral/immoral divide. Laws
restricting pleasure (fidelity, alcohol, drugs, environmental
restrictions) have resulted in elements of promiscuity such as
charging money for sex being controlled by corruption. This has
further disparaged the righteous, yet promiscuity flourishes.
So the decision is yours, but we think that:
- Everyone should have at least 20 different sex partners
- We have to know ourselves as sexual beings
- We have to know this aspect of our humanity
- We have to work it out peacefully.
Notes:
* - Polyandry is a form of polygamy in which one woman is married to
several men. It's occurrence is rare and assumes a specific concentration
in the Himalayan areas of South Asia. However, it is sporadically
distributed in Africa, Oceania, and Native America. Two forms have been
recorded: fraternal polyandry in which a group of brothers share a wife,
and non-fraternal polyandry in which a woman’s husbands are not related.
Related Article:
A Dr Client Convesation
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